My Colonoscopy….read with caution!

spicy blue cheese teen burger, a&W, colonoscopy blog, scarlett musings

colonoscopy story, that mom hustle, musings, #thatmomhustle www.scarlettballantyne.comNOTE: *Please read with caution and a sense of humour!

Colonoscopy. It sounds gross and scary. And something that only old people get. Just saying the word gives me a little sneer on my face. Ugh! There is nothing Pretty or Pinteresting about this, let me tell ya! But it was something I needed to do to investigate some of my ‘gut problems’. And so it just had to be done.

I had my appointment date ‘assigned’ to me and thankfully my husband was able to take off work to drive me and pick me up. You are sedated for the procedure and apparently are too hindered to drive yourself after (I think I could have driven). However I gotta say that the worst part was the prep. Colon prep.

Now I know how people’s emotions are driven by hunger. I would never survive on any type of survival expedition. Nope, never. Because my last meal was Monday night and by Wednesday at 3:30pm, I was still waiting to go in for my turn (they were running behind, no pun intended!). Two days, no food. Just juice and broth. Chicken broth for lunch and beef broth for dinner. So you are starving and cranky and then you have to mix a solution to induce a cleanse. It tasted sort of like lime flavoured Eno….not too bad actually. So I take the solution, then drank a bit of water and waited. About 45 minutes later, my girlfriend messaged me to see how I was feeling. No colon blow yet, I tell her! I sort of thought, maybe it won’t work for me? I can go to bed tonight and in the morning I will have some watery poos and be ready to go. Dancing with the Stars, my absolute favourite show, was on and I didn’t feel like I was likely going to miss any of it. Even though I could barely concentrate watching it….I was so hungry and kind of teary and every single segment that made the show drag on was pissing me off!

OH.

Gurgle, a few stomach pains. Just a couple kind of gassy ones. Not bad.

OOOOOOH!

Maybe this is going to get serious. Like really Serious!

Went to the bathroom…..OMG everything I had eaten in the last week, I swear, came flying out in the form of water. I just sat there actually for about 20 mins and it was a fountain of liquid. It was weird! I had read other blogs about colonoscopies and no one said it happened like that!

TMI. Sorry! Just keeping’ it real.

colonoscopy, colonoscopy blog story, scarlett musings
Pure Evil. That’s all I can caption this with!

So my bowel must have been totally emptied and I felt almost a rush of elation. Like the starvation headache went away and I felt pretty good. Watched a bit more TV and went to bed. Then at 2:00am I wake up writhing in pain! Like writhing and moaning with gas pains lodged under my rib cage.I go to the bathroom and it is wicked. Wicked awful. Liquid of a strange colour is the best way to describe it. And the cold sweats started. And my face turned green (as per my mirror check). So I lay on the floor for awhile, on a towel, groaning. J-P was snoring away in the other room which was kind of annoying. I felt like I was dying! Brutal. I muster up enough energy to hobble to bed and shake J-P to get me a drink of juice. Not just to wake him but I really felt weak. I drank the juice and felt a bit better.

When I woke up around 7:00am, all I can think is ‘let’s get this show on the road’. Hunger pangs totally suck and all of those morning TV talk shows have a tonne of food commercials. I try going online – food recipes are all over Facebook and Pinterest…..so forget it! I see an A&W commercial and I just keep thinking about a Blue Cheese Teen Burger with onion rings smooshed between the bun. (I am still making frequent bathroom trips too, just FYI).

spicy blue cheese teen burger, a&W, colonoscopy blog, scarlett musings
Ummm, my ultimate fantasy food.

So once we head over to the appointment, my stomach is really hurting with gas pains. I don’t know if maybe I just wasn’t drinking enough liquid but my stomach is full-on-bloated and every time I feel like passing gas…..danger! I check in. They are running late, I am told. And only one friggin’ bathroom on this whole floor and that door is opening and closing like crazy. LOTS of flushing going on. I am the youngest person there and people are farting up a storm! One old guy was so cranky….I guess he got his appointment time wrong so he was waiting and asking the nurse a million times, ‘When is it my turn?!’ Then he starts telling the guy next to him how he is ‘clean as a whistle’. Dude, I just went into the bathroom after you and that smell was anything but clean! TMI!

So as I was waiting, I could feel my blood sugar dropping. It was hot in there and the waiting was getting to me. I kind of lie down the best I could in a waiting room chair, and they call my name. I stand up and immediately see stars. She must have seen that my face was a little green because she said, ‘are you okay?’ Um, I feel a little faint. So she literally pushes me onto a gurney and gets a cold cloth and puts it on my forehead. These nurses don’t mess around. There must be some brutal fainting going on around this place because she did not wait one extra second helping me get undressed (FYI, you can keep your bra on. Yay. Dignity!). So a bit more waiting now, but this time it’s on a gurney so not too bad.

colonscopy story, colonoscopy blog, scarlett musings
Somehow keeping your bra and shoes on makes you feel somewhat more in control!

Time to start the IV. It is 3:00pm so it has been almost 2 days with no food and my veins are small to begin with. My helpful nurse gives it a go. ‘I missed!’ she says. Fuck. Then she calls another nurse. This one is annoyed and bored and sooooooo slow! I watch the clock slowly tick from 3:00pm to 3:20pm while she walked. Got a warm towel. Placed it on my arm. Got a needle. Pricked. Pricked again. Nope. Walked. Got another towel. Wrapped the other arm. Pricked. Nope. Big Sigh. CAN you FUCKING hurry UP! ‘Poke my toe!’, I tell her.

She finally gets it started. So then more waiting. My teen burger fantasy is twisting and I am thinking, it’s going to be 6:00pm before I get outta here and there will be no Teen burgers left in all of Surrey! No, really though, there is some vulnerability that goes on while you are lying there waiting and you are starving. At this point I do not even care about the tube that is about to go up my ass. I am not a patient person. Finally they wheel me in.

Questions and answers, sign the form and here we go. She starts the medication in the IV and says, ‘Just float with it.’ The doctor is kinda pretty with very nice lash extensions. Why on earth would you become an ass doctor? is the last thing I think. Then I float away. I hear myself groaning and moaning but don’t feel anything. My eyes are closed but at some point I open them and watch the screen. Very cool, I think. Then it’s over.

I kinda come to I guess, I am not even sure, back in recovery. She tells me to get dressed and how far away is my husband? 20 minutes, I say. She goes to call him. No idle waiting for me, it’s almost 5:00pm and they want me to get the heck out. I sneak a look at my chart and it says, ‘Polyp removed’, but that’s all I see. They are adamant that we wait to chat when my husband arrives because I am ‘impaired’.

So overall, the procedure itself wasn’t too bad. The colon prep and waiting. Fucking awful!

And did I eat a Teen Burger? I kind of felt so groggy that I wasn’t really hungry anymore. But tonight, you’d better believe that a Teen Burger is on the menu. Maybe tomorrow night too!

12 comments on “My Colonoscopy….read with caution!

  1. Ugh, so sorry you had to go through all that, Scarlett. I had to have one 20 years ago…I don’t remember not eating for 2 days, but I do remember the valium. Well, actually, I remember NOT remembering the valium. Then I had to have a barium enema. Also fun times. All the ass shit (no pun intended) is gross and not fun, but soooooo much better to have it done and get everything looked at and figured out than not. Good on you for doing it. Next time you need a Blue Cheese Burger, let me know and I’ll make a home delivery! 😉

  2. Laughed so much. Sorry you had to go through this but thank you for your humour and authenticity in sharing it all. Your courage is inspirational!

  3. I have a surgery sheduled next month… I did not laugh at you. You went alone? Wow! Real courage. Hope you are well now…

  4. It’s better to talk about these things and have a laugh!! Talking about your colon and poop is one of the last real taboos!

  5. I was only alone for a bit as my husband had to leave for school pick up etc. The waiting and prep is definitely the worst although it did take me a day or so to recover. Thanks for reading!

  6. You are so hilarious. My Dad said that when he got his colonoscopy they found a nickel that he swallowed when he was a kid. 🙂

  7. ugh, the prep kit was awful for me. gagged the entire time, puked up some of it, had to choke it down and really dig deep to push through it. it was not as easy as you say yours was.

    and no way could i have driven afterwards. my mom drove me and i asked her why we weren’t going to the beach because i swore to holy heaven we were in florida (we were in illinois).

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